mad dogs and Englishmen . . . .

On the move . . .

2008-08-30T22:42:00.005+01:00

I'm in the process of moving 'mad dogs etc' to a new home. The job may take a a few days and but I hope the end product will be a bright and shiny new blogsite for mad dogs and Englishmen [and anyone else who cares to visit].

UPDATE the new site is now ready for viewing. Click here for the new mad dogs . .

Fairy Tales are good for kids?

2008-08-11T16:25:00.003+01:00

If you think fairy stories are just harmlessly entertaining tales which are ideal for teaching children good wholesome moral values take a look at this posting on the mental floss website. Here are the summaries of a few medieval fairy tales with their original plots and endings. Some are quite well-known in their modern format, such as 'Cinderella' and 'Snow White', and others are less well known, but what they all have in common is that these are the original stories which abound with murder, treachery, incest, cannibalism, torture and, this is bad news for those who like a neat and tidy ending, there are very few 'and they all lived happily ever after' conclusions.

Click here and enjoy, but don't read them to your kids.

I'm swimmin' in the rain, just swimmin' in the rain . . .

2008-04-18T13:40:00.005+01:00

If you want to go swimming in Sunderland [Wear] you can can go and splash around in their spanking brand new rain puddle. It has taken a a few years to build and a few million pounds in bottle tops and washers to pay for it, but Sunderland now have the only 50 metre swimming pool in the North East of England [apparently Berlin has 11 of them]. It's a truly modern construction with movable booms and floors so it can be adapted for almost every water activity, diving. competitive swimming, synchronisd swimming and a bit of good old-fashioned fun.

It's quite a lavish creation but also very 'green' in that it has been designed for maximum fuel efficiency and minimum waste of resources. The water is collected from the roof, treated and cleaned in the downstairs water plant, so every time you jump in you are swimming in the rain . .

Darwinism

2008-03-14T14:46:00.019Z

It’s uncertain which of the three schools of thinking, creationist, intelligent design or natural selection, if any at all, would claim John Darwin, the undead canoeist, as the final proof of their theory, maybe no one at all, as he doesn’t seem to do much credit to any of them.

It is a while since we last heard of Mr. and Mrs Darwin but on Thursday, 13^th March 2008, a hearing was held at Leeds Crown Court at which they both entered pleas to the various charges brought against them. Mr Darwin pleaded guilty to seven charges of obtaining money [possibly as much as £250,000] by deception and one of obtaining a false passport and not guilty to nine other charges. Mrs Darwin pleaded not guilty to all of the charges brought against her. That's the dry bit of the tale over with, and summarised here in this article on The Times website.

There has been much speculation about the whole story but in particular around the possible motivation. As might be expected, the investigative journals of the world have been digging deep to see what insightful nuggets of muck can be found. One novel theory as to why he gave himself up to the police is that by so doing he would force his wife into giving herself up, but this has is its variations - and drawbacks. The first story, posited by the Glasgow Daily Record, is that he believed his wife was being unfaithful to him but The Sydney Morning Herald goes further than this saying that Darwin believed his wife was about to leave him for another man and leave him penniless, further details here. While this may be plausible, doesn’t it seem a little OTT to put yourself at the mercy of the fuzz, especially after committing a string of frauds, just to stop your spouse having an affair? Would this fit in with Darwin's previous patterns of behaviour? If other stories are to be believed he regularly indulged in affairs himself so would he be bothered if his wife did the same. Maybe, but maybe not. Does this fit in with the initial story heard last December when he entered a London police station? To all intents and purposes he seriously expected to get away with his amnesia story, although a moments serious thinking might have told him otherwise.

The News of The World has another story to tell, not of any planned scheme but of a penpal affair between Darwin and a female prisoner – someone had to find a seamy element to this sooner or later. How he met up with someone else while behind bars is left unexplained but if this is correct it will not be the first time he has been involved with other women or confused reality with fantasy as shown in this article in the the Daily Mail.

Guessing from these stories and allegations it would seem that John Darwin is more comfortable in a fantasy world than in the real world. Maybe he himself realises this and is looking forward to a long stir of porridge, it could be just what he needs to avoid getting himself knotted up in further harebrained antics. Or perhaps, as an ex-prison officer, he is feeling a little homesick and wants to return to more familiar quarters. Who knows?

But to return to the initial question of this article, if JD were presented as the ultimate proof of the theory of life then intelligent design would come a very poor third in the race JD having displayed a total absence of IQ, natural selection staggers home in second place after failing miserably to do its job in eliminating a seriously weak link from the gene pool and on the basis of all the stories and fantasies involved in this tale Creationism wins by a mile.

Crime doesn't pay.

2008-03-03T14:44:00.022Z

This is topic close to the heart of many people, money and what happens after someone steals, embezzles or obtains it in a dishonest fashion and is subsequently caught. It seems that there is no simple answer to this; how society responds depends on a lot of rather complex, largely unwritten, rules. For instance, the type of crime you commit and how much you have stolen both have a bearing on the outcome but also where you have stolen it from, who you are and who you are connected with.

Take the recent case of the MP who allegedly misused Parliamentary allowances to feather his nest, reported here in The Times and here in The Independent. Over a period of 3 years he paid his eldest son, Henry, a salary as a research assistant, while he [Henry] was studying at Newcastle University. More recently he entered into the same scheme when his second son, Freddie, went to university. After the second time around someone blew the whistle and it was claimed that the money was being paid for no real purpose whatsoever. An enquiry was held into the matter and the committee could find no evidence of any work being done. The only supporting evidence was the say-so of the Conway family members.

Reports are a little fuzzy and confusing regarding how much money was involved, a lot depends on which newspaper you read, but so far as I can gauge the figures below are somewhere in the region.

HC £11,773 per year for 3 years, plus 4 £10,000 bonuses. Total £75,319
FC £10,000 per year for 3 years, plus pension contributions. Total £45,000

For siphoning off a sum of money in excess of £120,000 from public funds Derek Conway was suspended from Parliament for 10 days, must repay £13,161, and has now lost his place in the Conservative Party. No prosecution, no instant dismissal from employment, none of the of the penalties which would have applied automatically had a canteen worker or cleaner stolen a few supplies from the storeroom. Apart from the loss of party membership and the 10 days lost pay, it is now back to 'service as normal' for The Honourable Derek Conway, having made a net gain for his offspring of over £100,000.

A few articles covering this . . . . .
The Daily Telegraph
Guido Fawkes' blog
The Guardian

**** you Jack. I'm alright.

2008-03-01T20:10:00.005Z

Contrary to popular belief The Times isn't every Englishman's favourite newspaper but it does throw up interesting little articles now and again. While rummaging amongst some old copies recently I came across this item. The British, and English particularly, have always considered themselves as kind-hearted and generous though perhaps not overly so. Within our isles there are many variations, as you might expect, and some regions are well-known for opposite traits; the Scots, Aberdonians especially, are reputed to be thrifty and Yorkshire people are careful, as they put it, for example [or just plain tightfisted], but behind our stoic outward facing masks we all have beating hearts of gold. At least that is what we like to tell ourselves and anyone else who is listening. Unfortunately, as Richard Morrison points out this notion simply doesn't square up with facts collected by the Office for National Statistics. During the last 50 years we have been less and less willing to give to charity, and at the same time have become more and more uncaring for others. If you have the means and the opportunity it is OK to flaunt your wealth, preferably in the most contemptuous and shameless manner possible, it is perfectly acceptable to cheat others and to put down those less fortunate than yourself. Morrison pins everything down to an absence of 'love' in our society, I would use the word 'care' but otherwise, in essence. agree with what he says, if anything I would be even less charitable than he is in describing our society, we are simply a bunch of greedy and selfish, uncaring tightwads.

An Italian Hero

2008-02-21T23:43:00.011Z

I was passing the time in a reading room recently, working my way through the newspapers of the day, as one does, filling in bits of crossword puzzles, dozing and drinking tea, though not necessarily in that order. Stuffed a way in a corner was the remnants of a backcopy which I idly glanced through until I came across an article about a marathon runner. This was a character who had been briefly introduced to us at school but I had never really got acquainted with him as he was quickly pushed back out of my mind to make way as we moved on to Corn Law, Tariff Reform and other more important matters. This was not the original marathon runner, Pheidippides the soldier who fought in the battle of Marathon, ran to Athens to deliver the good news and then dropped dead, but a pastry shop assistant whose achievements were no less remarkable in that he completed the 1908 event, lost the medal, but won the hearts of millions of people around the world.

Dorando Pietri began his running career in an almost casual fashion, perhaps by accident, when, in 1904, he took part in a local race at Carpi which featured Pericle Pagliani, the then top runner in Italy. According to accounts available Pietri was still in his working clothes when he ran but he beat Pagliani. A few days later he participated in a 3,000 metre race at Bologna and won! What had prompted him to do that is unknown, bravado, a bet with his pals or Italian dottiness and eccentricity, is unknown but during the following he began his rise to international fame. In 1905 he won the Paris 30 km race, his first international success and in 1906 won the qualifying Italian marathon for the Athens Olympic games, held later that year. During the Athens marathon he retired from the race, due to an intestinal illness, while he was in the lead by 5 minutes. By 1907 he was the undisputed long distance champion of Italy, for every event from 5,000 metres upwards.

At the 1908 London Olympics the day of the marathons race was an unusually hot one by UK standards (78 degrees F) and this took its toll on all of the 56 starters. Three-quarters of the way in to the race Pietri was in second place and several minutes behind the leader but when he was told Hefferson was having trouble he increased his pace and a few miles later overtook him. After entering the stadium for the final lap his troubles began when he took a wrong turn and was redirected by an official. He then fell from exhaustion but was helped back to his feet and struggled on. Different stories give varying counts of the times he fell, all we know is that it happened several times and each time he was helped on his way by officials and Arthur Conan Doyle, no less, who happened to be standing by. Of his 26 miles and 365 yards, taking 2 hours, 54 minutes and 46 seconds the final lap had taken 10 minutes to complete [no one actually timed this section so we only have anecdotal information]. And only in the final moments had any other competitor entered the stadium!

Several theories have been put forward to explain his condition on entering the stadium - excessive heat, his efforts in the final half of the course to speed up, gargling with wine during the race - but these are speculative. And the nearest he got to using drugs was to take balsamic vinegar during training.

From any of the BW photographs available of those final moments many differences between Pietri and a modern athlete can be seen. There is even a difference between himself and the officials surrounding him. There is no imagery or PR at work, he is noticeably small, skinny, one might say weedy, the very picture of the underdog and this had an immediate appeal to the masses. He had finished by sheer will and determination.

Immediately after the race the USA team lodged a complaint which was accepted by the committee and Johnny Hayes, who came in second, was awarded first position. Undoubtedly the USA complaint was technically correct, Pietri had been redirected, assisted and helped to his feet by officials who should have had no influence on his performance. But whatever anyone wants to say no one can alter those staggering ten minutes when he was in the stadium alone. That is an impressive lead to have gained, coming up from behind, by any standard.

In the months following he was invited to America to compete in a tour of races. Twice he competed against Johnny Hayes and twice he beat him. Of the 22 races he participated in on tour he won 17. He continued his professional racing career for another 3 years and retired after winning his final race at Goteburg, Sweden.

He died in 1941, at the age of 56, of a heart attack.

"I Used To Ride A Bike"

2008-02-21T22:31:00.014Z

I was clearing out some storage space recently and dug up a stack of ancient magazines. Before committing them to the recycling bin I had a quick glance through a few of them and came across this little gem. I'm not sure exactly when I started cycling, but I know I was still at school, and I've been doing the same with varying degrees of enthusiasm ever since - although I suspect I need to do more if I am to avoid gaining weight. If I'm not careful I may end up as the subject of this verse -

'I used to ride a bike'

All motorists get up my nose
But the type I most dislike
Is the one who has to tell you
That he used to ride a bike.

He approaches you at lunch stop
With a loving sort of look,
You try to hint you're resting –
But tact's not in his book.

Oh, the cafés where he used to stop.
The characters he knew.
The distances he covered.
He rode twice as far as you.

He's over thirty now, of course
(his waist looks forty-two),
So he's had to pack it in for good –
But how he envies you!

All cyclists need protection Lord,
But one thing we implore –
Protect us most of all from bores
Who've swapped two wheels for four.

Bill Tordoff

The Užupis Constitution

2008-02-18T11:59:00.010Z

A few years ago the district of Užupis, in the city of Vilnius, declared itself to be an independent republic. A President and bishop were appointed, four flags were designed [one for each season], and a suitable constitution was duly drawn up. The 41 rights which form the constitution are engraved on mirrors, attached to a wall on Paupio Street. In addition, it has a palace, an army [of 12] to defend it and a National Day [1st April], which may give some idea of just how important this shabby little area has become. More details here and here and probably the most thorough in-depth analysis just here.

Here is a translation of the terms of the constitution -

Everyone has the right to live by the River Vilnelė, while the River Vilnelė has the right to flow by everyone.

Everyone has the right to hot water, heating in winter and a tiled roof.

Everyone has the right to die, but it is not a duty.

Everyone has the right to make mistakes.

Everyone has the right to individuality.

Everyone has the right to love.

Everyone has the right to be not loved, but not necessarily.

Everyone has the right not to be distinguished and famous.

Everyone has the right to be idle.

Everyone has the right to love and take care of a cat.

Everyone has the right to look after a dog till one or the other dies.

A dog has the right to be a dog.

A cat is not obliged to love its master, but it must help him in difficult times.

Everyone has the right to sometimes be unaware of his duties.

Everyone has the right to be in doubt, but this is not a duty.

Everyone has the right to be happy.

Everyone has the right to be unhappy.

Everyone has the right to be silent.

Everyone has the right to have faith.

No one has the right to violence.

Everyone has the right to realize his negligibility and magnificence.

Everyone has the right to encroach upon eternity.

Everyone has the right to understand.

Everyone has the right to understand nothing.

Everyone has the right to be of various nationalities.

Everyone has the right to celebrate or not to celebrate his birthday.

Everyone shall remember his name.

Everyone may share what he possesses.

No-one can share what he does not possess.

Everyone has the right to have brothers, sisters and parents.

Everyone is capable of independence.

Everyone is responsible for his freedom.

Everyone has the right to cry.

Everyone has the right to be misunderstood.

No-one has the right to make another person guilty.

Everyone has the right to be personal.

Everyone has the right to have no rights.

Everyone has the right to not be afraid.

Do not defeat.

Do not fight back.

Do not surrender.

Basics of Cycling

2008-02-16T22:02:00.003Z

With the approach of Spring and the prospect of long days of sunshine and fresh air, for the benefit of the uninitiated, I have cobbled together a guide to the basics of cycling.

Beginning with the cycle itself. The main part of the cycle is the frame, the main function of which is to provide you with something to which you can attach other components e.g. bells, bottles, brakes. Many enthusiasts attach as many as possible while the puritans frown on anything which might impair the aerodynamic efficiency of the machine. The choice of faith is yours.

For the technically-minded the frame is made of jointed steel tubes - the top-tube, down-tube, seat-tube – plus the head-set, seat-stays, wheel-stays, fork-blades and the bottom bracket. You need a saddle and seat-pin, to enable you to sit on it, a stem and bar to steer it and a crank, crank-levers, pedals and a chain-set to make it move. Wheels give the machine an aesthetic quality and brakes come in handy at tea-stops.

To help the rider cope with all the variations of terrain, e.g. up-hill, down-hill, on the flat, etc., most modern bicycles are fitted with derailleur gears. These consist of a block of sprockets (cogs) fitted to the rear hub and one or more chain-rings (bigger cogs) fitted to the crank. The highest gear is the smallest sprocket at the bottom of the block and the lowest gear is the biggest at the top of the block and chain movement is controlled by the right shift-lever. To travel fast, drop the chain down to the highest gear at the bottom of the block and to move slowly pull the chain up to the lowest gear at the top of the block. OK ,so far? The chain-rings give added efficiency to the use of gears, reduce leg-strain and, most important of all, provide an additional lever to play with so you don't get bored. The smallest chain ring – the granny-wheel, for the technically-minded – is used with the lowest gears and the largest is used with the highest gears and are controlled with the use of the left shift-lever.

So, to go uphill slowly, with your feet spinning fast, you change the gear down by pulling the right shift-lever up to the highest sprocket and push the chain down to the smallest chain-ring with the left shift-lever. And to go downhill fast, with your feet turning slowly, you change gear up by dropping the chain down onto the lowest sprocket, by pushing the right shift lever forwards, and switch to the largest chain ring by pulling the left shift lever backwards. (We'll deal with the ins and outs of hub gears next time).

And now for a few buzz-words to put you at ease with other riders –

Head wind – an unfriendly wind

Tail wind – a rare phenomenon

Break wind – what the rider in front does.

Crank – the bit that makes the bike move

Bottom bracket – where the crank belongs

Hitting the bonk – a touch of hypoglycaemia

Honking – a technique used to climb steep gradients; not to be confused with . .

Honking – what sometimes happens after climbing steep gradients

Sachs – something Scottish cyclists talk of

Peugeot – foreign word for purgatory. Reputed to be a punishment for too much Sachs.

Steerer – front rider on a tandem cycle

Stoker – rear rider on a tandem cycle (these must be kept in the correct order!)

Eccentric Bottom Bracket Assembly – another item peculiar to the tandem cycle.

Happy daze.

Onion Love

2008-02-14T10:57:00.008Z

How does this grab you? Just the stuff for ripping away all the saccharine images of love and romance and getting down to the real business of relationships. I first heard it several years ago and it was relatively old even then, but it has stuck in my mind ever since.

Valentine

Not a rose or a satin heart,
I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light, like the gentle undressing of love.

Here. It will blind you with tears, like a lover.
It will make your reflections a wobbling photo of grief.

I am trying to be truthful.
Not a cute card or a kissogram.
I give you an onion.

Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips, possessive and faithful, as we are,
For as long as we are.

Take it.
Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding ring, if you like.

Lethal.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
Cling to your knife.

Carol Ann Duffy

"Come Back To Afghanistan"

2008-01-28T15:01:00.000Z

Here is another book giving a different angle to mainstream media to help you fill in more spaces of the Middle East jigsaw puzzle.

The author, Said Hyder Akbar, was born in Afghanistan, left while he was a child during the Russian occupation, moved to Pakistan and then to the USA with his family. He comes over as a mixture of Afghan but with a strong US flavour; which gives him valuable insight into why things happen as they do, why they don't work, why some ideas were doomed to failure before they started, plus a few hints as to why the US government seems unable to learn from its calamities.

Come Back To Afghanistan is both an entertaining and informative read

"Murder In Samarkand"

2008-01-21T12:58:00.001Z

This is not exactly a ‘hot off the blogosphere’ posting as the book I have just completed reading was published several years ago. However, the lessons to be learned are as horrifying and as relevant now as they were in 2006. Just as Mr Murray states in his book many of us believed that being British came with certain values, fairness, justice, protecting the vulnerable and standing up to the bullies for instance. In the past we haven’t always managed to live up to these ideals but we tried. Now it seems that these things no longer matter, at least to our government, as it supports despots, accepts torture as an acceptable method of obtaining ‘intelligence’ [it made an attempt to get this idea on to the statute book only a few years ago, the only thing which stopped it was a group of Law Lords], repeatedly suppresses the truth and uses fabricated evidence to justify actions or achieve other ends. Does this sound like something good that you would want to tell your international friends about? If you want some insight into the way our government [and I cannot stress ‘OUR’ enough] is going and why, then reading this book ‘Murder in Samarkand’ is a must.

While not everyone would approve of Craig Murray's personal behaviour it is hard to see how anyone who believes in the truth can ignore story as it demonstrates how spin, convenience, expediency and the lack of truth have permeated our government.

In the early days of his posting his first concerns were to raise the profile of the British Embassy in Uzbekistan and make it better known amongst the British businesses which were attempting to operate there and achieved considerable success in this area. However, it was not long before he began to come across signs of corruption within the country and his attention was absorbed by other matters. This was bad enough but the most disturbing facet of this episode was the cold silence of the Foreign Office to his reports. In time the silence became more active and attempted to shut him up. The British government were following that of USA who were propping up the dictatorship in Uzbekistan as a partner in their War on Terror; it was therefore up to the Ambassador to keep relations sweet and avoid anything less pleasant. Truth simply didn't matter. This conspiracy to silence existed all the way to the very highest levels of the Foreign Office, allegedly including the Secretary of State himself. During Mr Murray's time in Uzbekistan the American government was running its Extraordinary Renditions programme, shipping arrested people to secret places around the world, one of which was Uzbekistan and, it is alleged, our government had an active part of this process. This is a story of cynicism, cruelty, terror, torture and murder and involves the author in several close and unnerving encounters of his own. If this were a thriller it would certainly sell well, but this is not fiction. If you want to see just how much politicians are prepared to debase themselves and the values of their country, read this.

Craig Murray is now the Rector of Dundee University.

Atmospheric Inspiration

2008-01-07T20:40:00.000Z

Is this Divine Guidance/Inspiration? I was looking at the log of hits for the blog the other day and saw one or two that had arrived via Google searches. Out of curiosity I did equivalent searches using the same criteria as the original visitors, just to see what they had been looking for and might have found. One had been looking for 'CO2' 'absorption' and something else, which I can't remember, and it produced the usual list of websites relating to climate change, ozone layers, carbon dioxide, etc plus a little gem near the bottom of the first page which was something about carbonating beer. This was a website advertising [Heath Robinson style] equipment for carbonating beer on the cheap. Almost instantly the penny dropped; here is the answer to all our climate problems. Suck the CO2 out of the atmosphere, carbonate the booze with it and let the binge drinkers swallow it!

Consuming Passion

2008-01-07T15:22:00.001Z

Isn't this just what we wanted all along, a sensible article about eating and some simple advice about diet, all of which can summed up in the opening seven words - "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants".

According Michael Pollan, the author, we are victims of an all-round conspiracy driven by the government, the food manufacturers, the nutritionists and the other million and one 'experts' who 'advise' us what we should and shouldn't eat. And it doesn't take much logic to see why they are so keen to close our eyes - if we followed the advice contained in those seven words the food manufacturers would be out of business, the experts would be out of a job, the government would have less to tell us and one lever less to mess us around with.

What Mr Pollan has to say fits in well with my own experiences, both here and while living in Asia. There, people ate real vegetables and meat, not stuff processed in factories with additives injected, which was bought directly from local producers. There were no rules about which bits of which animal were permissible as food, which was totally contrary to many of the guidelines laid down by our own government. I cannot remember one part of a chicken, other than the feathers, which was not eaten [feathers would be used for other purposes] and every part of a pig was eaten, offal and all, but the bulk of the menu consisted of vegetables. The people were not obese, didn't suffer the same disorders we do and were generally in a far better and healthy state than most Brits. Read more here.

Identity crisis

2007-12-10T14:17:00.002Z

The saga of John Darwin [not much indication of Intelligent Design there] is priceless. As it continues to unravel every new snippet of information, adding to the twists and contradictions, brings more entertainment into the dark days of winter and raises more smirks and smiles. The allegations already made by the police and those which they are considering are serious enough but that's not what has grabbed everyones' attention; it's not everyday that a story so fascinating, so funny, so breathtakingly loopy comes to light . . . and there's still lots more of it to come . . . In addition to the story itself everyone has been finding their own angle and digging up their own meaning.

First, in 2002, Darwin does his Reggie Perrin act and apparently gets away with it. Then he resurfaces more than 5 years later, looking very svelte, suntanned and well-presented, claiming to be a missing person but having no memory of any events after 2000. His wife, who has cashed in his insurance policies and sold their UK properties has done a bunk to Panama and, when contacted by the press, says she is delighted to hear of him being refound. Then things start unravelling as sightings of the 'dead' man come to light and even photographs. So both Anne and John Darwin begin to adjust their stories. Both sons, meanwhile, have claimed they knew nothing of their father's disappearance or their mother's involvement in the alleged fraud, but both apparently left their jobs before John Darwin reappeared.

Only someone from Britain could be so stupid and so amusing at the same time. What a shame that the Darwin Awards are only given to those who succeed in genuinely killing themselves. Couldn't the organisers set up a new category Least Best Attempt or some such? Or maybe we need to establish something entirely new, a Reginald Perrin Award. Any volunteers for the panel of judges?

There's obviously a lot more to come from this story, enough to keep us entertained during the coming months.

Give a Ted a bad name . . .

2007-12-05T10:50:00.002Z

Now that Ms Gillian Gibbons is safely home maybe it is ok to speculate on the real reasons why she was imprisoned. It certainly takes some swallowing that anyone could possibly be upset or offended at a child’s toy being given the name of a human being. We can accept that there is a cultural difference between western countries and African countries when it comes to children’s toys; only in the wealthy western countries are children brought up with cuddly animal toys, and that has only been happening in the last century; but is that enough of a difference to create a situation in which someone can be offended by the eccentricities of a western teacher? How long did it take for the person to be offended? Instantly? This is something we have little or no definite information about but the impression gained, and it is only an impression, is that there was a lapse of time between the event and the complaint being made, which suggests that the information may have been passed around until it finally found someone waiting to be offended. It is difficult to visualise precisely what the plaintiff imagined he/she was going to achieve – publicity, a blow against the interfering West, closure of Unity school? All possible and all very short term gains, except the latter which may be so damaged and discredited it never reopens.

Ms Gibbons appears to be the innocent party on every count – she did not name the bear, and when the choice was first made by the schoolchildren she asked if it was ok to choose that name, so she showed cultural sensitivity right from the beginning. The complaint was made by a private citizen – a parent or a teacher, depending on which newspaper you read – but after that the Sudanese equivalent of the CPS would have taken charge. Wouldn’t it have been possible for someone with his head screwed on the right way round to have thrown the idea out before it even reached the courts? On reaching the court would it not have been possible for the judge to have dismissed the case? Or were there other matters to be considered.

This episode does Sudan no credit, which may be why the government responded to Lord Ahmed and Lady Warsi so well, does the Islamic faith even less good and relationships between westerners and Moslems living in the west least of all. Unfortunately Mo the Ted is just the sort of stuff to make ideal ammunition for the groups of extremists and their sympathisers so it may not be out of order to expect trouble in the near future. From the Moslem nutters who look for any excuse to have a go at the decadent west and from the neo-Nazis who can’t wait to expel them from the planet.

Putting in a good word for the Atheists

2007-12-02T21:10:00.001Z

In a recently published document, entitled Spe Salvi [Saved by Hope], Joseph Ratzinger [Pope Benedict 16^th] warns the world of the evils of atheism.

“Pope Benedict XVI has launched a powerful attack on atheism, saying that it was responsible for some of the ‘greatest forms of cruelty and violations of justice’ in history.” Telegraph.co.uk

In the document he goes on to assert that justice is not man made but is divine; if we try to create our own justice we end up in a world without hope. Precisely how the logic of this thinking slots together is unclear to me but I’m sure someone can put me right. This is just one more in a series of announcements, encyclicals and speeches, setting out the Pope’s ideas of how the church relates to all else in the world and how the world should relate to it. Earlier this year he asserted that the only way to God was via the Catholic church, thereby resurrecting the medieval notion that there is only one holy church [the Roman church] and that everything else is inferior and not worth bothering about.

But back to the more recent ~~attack~~ encyclical. I differ from His Holisox and feel that he missed the mark somewhat and I would like to put the record straight. There is no trickery in the words I use, no masking of meaning, no mysticism, no unsubstantiated assertions, only plain facts.

As a general rule atheists don’t . .

- hate you for being homosexual

- stand in your way if you want to learn more about science

- insist on being lead by celibate numbskulls

- interfere with education

- interfere with human rights

- hide priests who have been caught playing with little boys balls

. . . and looking further back in history atheists were never renowned for . .

- launching crusades whenever someone of a differing faith appeared in the Middle East

- instigating inquisitions

- putting people on stretching racks if they asked awkward questions about the bible

- burning people at the stake because someone said they were b/witches

- collaborating with the Nazi party

. . but while the above statements are true I would accept that they do not represent an overwhelming proof that atheists never indulge in evil.

Making an attack of this kind and blaming the ills of the world on to some unconnected group is, to my mind, the mark of someone who is in a potentially weak or vulnerable position, or who feels that his organisation/faith/creed is not robust enough to withstand scrutiny or criticism from outsiders, which ought to be nonsense as Christianity has been around for a long time now. But maybe we really shouldn’t be too surprised at this outburst as the pontiff set out his stall at a very early stage, making it clear there would be nonsense, no namby-pambying or softening of the faith while he was in charge – so out went any notion of dialogue with other faiths, all ideas about modernising the Catholic church were scrapped and the way forward now, apparently, is to return to the Middle Ages as soon as possible. Without doubt, he is a focused man and with clear vision of where he wants the church to go – or as others might see him, narrow-minded, bigoted and with a penchant for all things medieval.

Time to shaddup!

2007-11-20T11:32:00.000Z

Mr Langham has entered into 'pity me' mode, outpouring his heartache and anguish, all triggered by an unhappy and abused childhood. And he still insists his downloading for which he was sent to gaol was purely research and was done compassionately causing him even more angst! Just doesn't wash; he did something illegal and distasteful for which he was caught, tried, found guilty and sentenced. No amount of soft-soaping and pleading is going to change that; the pleas of 'I was abused' and 'I was only researching' are no justification at all, even if they turned out to be true. All this meuling simply makes him less believable and prompts one to think that staying inside for the full sentence would not have been a bad thing. At least we would have have a few more months of peace.

His best course of action would be to shut up and find something else to do. Show-biz is over.

Global Warming? Re-adjust the clock!

2007-08-26T20:57:00.001+01:00

This one is just so smart I have no answer. The warming of the atmosphere has a very straightforward explanation after all, you just need to open your eyes to what is going on around you and it becomes obvious.

All the interfering with natural processes which we do obviously has its consequences, and fiddling around with the time, as we do each year to 'save' daylight, is no exception. Read the full article here and here.

I heard, on the radio, that the writer sent this in to a local paper as a hoax; I don't know if he/she expected it to be published but the Arkansas Gazette seems to have swallowed it hook, line and sinker.

Carbon Offsetting.

2007-08-06T20:37:00.000+01:00

Sorry to be digging this old chestnut up again. Some time after I posted the first item. a documentary programme on this very subject appeared on TV. Entitled "The Great Green Smoke Screen", shown on Dispatches and broadcast on Channel Four, the programme was able to investigate all the suspicions related to carbon offsetting and follow the whole story right through to the painful end. In short, it effectively blew the validity of carbon offsetting, and the integrity of the companies investigated off the face of the earth. From the underlying the principles of offsetting through to the execution of carbon transactions, one malpractice after another was exposed to daylight, discrediting the whole business as a money generating scam. The most telling picture was of 6 saplings, each about 12 inches tall, said by one company to offset the air pollution attributed to the investigator during a year of flying.

Carbon Offsetting - Our Salvation

2007-05-07T10:35:00.003+01:00

Not long ago [I don’t know if your memory stretches back this far] the Roman Catholic Church sold small items of salvation to the people of Europe. The idea was that if someone misbehaved he/she had the option of saving themselves from future punishment by buying a certificate called an Indulgence. After paying for this piece of paper the sinner’s slate was wiped clean and all would be well. We know this is correct because the Pope himself said so and his name was affixed to the aforementioned piece of paper. If a person sinned again all he had to do was buy another Indulgence. No one had to change their ways of behaviour; you could go on sinning to your hearts content so long as you kept up with the payments for your Indulgences; everyone [who mattered] was saved from Hell, the Pope made lots of money, St Peter’s Basilica was built with the proceeds and everyone [that mattered] was happy.

At present we are faced with something of a problem, global warming in case your memory cell needs stirring, and we must solve this or be faced with real purgatory. In response to this the gurus/whizz-kids/smart-arses who run our world have come up with a similar idea. The idea of carbon-offsetting is that if you deposit a bucketload of carbon into the atmosphere you then counterbalance that by paying someone else to do something which is more eco-friendly and useful to the planet, e.g. plant some trees. The consultants have worked out how much carbon each car trip is worth, how much pollution an air journey costs etc, what needs to be done to counter the pollution and how much we need to pay for each instance of misbehaviour. In effect we can continue behaving in much the same way as we do now, the ecology of the planet will be kept safe, the experts make their money, the whinging greenies are kept quiet and everyone is happy. Sounds like a good idea to me, so let’s take a closer look at it.

First of all, can I ask a few questions . . .

How long does it take the earth to produce a barrel of crude oil?

How long does it take to extract, transport & refine crude oil?

How long does it take to burn a few gallons of petrol?

How long does it take for trees to absorb the carbon dioxide produced in these processes?

. . and can I suggest a few nominal answers . .

Millions of years

A few weeks.

A few hours

Maybe 50 years.

The first thing that occurs to me as I view these answers [I accept that they are not bang-on for accuracy but they are close enough] is that there are huge differences in the timescales involved. For offsetting purposes the difference between the first and second answer needn’t concern us – although we should think hard about it from a resources conservation point of view – but the difference between the third and last cannot be ignored. Pollution takes only hours, or even minutes to produce, but absorption of polluting gasses takes years – here we have two incompatible timescales; we are doing damage on one scale [at high speed] but trying to cure the effects on a different scale altogether [at very low speed]. If the timescales were arranged the other way around then the difference would be to our advantage but as they stand it is like trying to extinguish a bush fire by peeing on it. In the 50 years which it will take a tree to grow isn’t it possible, or even probable, that many other instances of pollution will occur? So we will need ever more forests of trees to counterbalance our pollution? Have we enough space on earth for such forests? I’ll assume there is sufficient IQ between your ears to work out a logical answer.

Can we be sure that the trees that are planted on our behalf to offset pollution are ‘extras’ and not trees that would be planted anyway? Isn’t it possible that a carbon-offsetting company could buy shares in a forestry management company so the person who pays for a tree is different but the quantities of timber remain unchanged? Maybe.

But let’s be charitable towards the experts and a little more positive in our outlook. Shall we assume, for a moment, that trees really will absorb all the toxic gases we put into the atmosphere. Can we be sure that those trees will mature and survive for their full life? Are we sure they will not die or be felled before doing their job? Some casualties are inevitable so it is highly probable the consultants have built in a safety margin to their calculations and all should be well. And what happens to the trees when they die, as one day they must? However the wood is used, whether it is for making furniture, building huts or for firewood, eventually it will decompose or disintegrate and when that happens all the carbon absorbed by the tree is released back into the ecological system.

Hallelujah.

"We survived two weeks of hell"

2007-04-23T11:46:00.001+01:00

This was definitely no holiday in

Iran

During the Easter break several unsuspecting EFL teachers were absconded and taken to an unknown destination, believed to be on the South Coast of England. It began innocently enough as each one was invited to participate in an Easter Language School and do their job spreading the good word of EFL. The school was housed inside a compound surrounded by perimeter fencing 8 feet tall and entered through an electronically controlled gate. Once inside the compound, with the gate closed, they realised that escape was out of the question.

The hostages were kept at a secret location, in isolation from the rest of the world. Evidence suggests this may have been on an island as several of the hostages reported seeing the sea, walking on a quiet secluded beach in the evening and short visits to pubs and seaside cafes.

Conditions inside the compound were ‘very basic’ according to one teacher, “We were each kept in rooms with only single beds, a kettle and a few tea bags for refreshment. I've never known anything like it before". During the evening they were subjected to incessant noise treatment and constantly exposed to interrogators to break them down - "The noise from the kids running around the corridors was unbearable” said one traumatized survivor. “Every day we were paraded in front of foreign students who called us names, like ‘Mister’ or ‘Miss’”, reported another anguished teacher.

Their harrowing ordeal did not stop at that; according to another, who preferred to remain unnamed, many of the students demanded to be entertained while others expected to be educated. “We just couldn’t cope with so many demands and so much pressure”, he said. Each of the captured teachers was given a name badge which had to be worn constantly every day, “It was so humiliating”.

Maya to cleanse sacred site

2007-03-11T01:33:00.000Z

Well here's a lesson everyone can learn from. Mayan villagers will cleanse a sacred site after it is visited by President Bush, early next week. Not sure exactly what they are going to do; disinfect it? deodorise it? But maybe we should all be doing the same thing to prevent any contamination or obnoxious vapours from spreading around.

France and America

2007-03-07T21:15:00.002Z

What is the difference between France and America?

France has a President who speaks fluent English.

Letter from a Scout Camp

2007-03-06T22:35:00.000Z

Dear Mom and Dad,

Our Scout Master told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV, and were worried. We're okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned, because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please phone Chad's mother and tell her that he's okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the Search-&-Rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Dean got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Dean gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Dean said that with a car that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, he sometimes lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car, so he let us take turns riding in the trailer, until the Highway Patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Dean is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads, where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Dean wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Dean isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car, so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our First Aid merit badges. When Dave dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Dean said it was probably just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad that he got out and became our Scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a paedophile?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters, and to buy Vaseline. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,

Steve.

Why Bicycles are better than Partners.

2007-03-05T21:16:00.002Z

Bicycle curves do not sag.

Bicycles don't care if you have ridden other bicycles.

You don't have to take a shower before you go riding.

You can go cycling at any time.

You can borrow your friend's bicycle.

Bicycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.

If you say anything bad to your bicycle you don't have to say you're sorry before you go riding again.

When you go riding the bicycle wears the rubber, not you.

You can keep cycling until you are sore.

If you get a new bicycle you don't have to keep sending money to the old one.

Rules of Consultancy

2007-03-05T09:41:00.000Z

Never promise more than a 10% improvement – anything more could be embarrassing.

Always charge enough to make sure they take notice of what you're saying.

If what they are doing doesn't work, tell them to do something different.

The closer you are to finding the cause of a problem the less chance there is of resolving it.

The frequency of an event is in inverse proportion to its desirability.

If anything can go wrong, it will.

Nothing works first time - but this time it will be different.

Your clients are always more important to you than you will ever be to them.

Trust takes years to build, moments to lose.

A Prayer for the Stressed

2007-03-04T22:19:00.000Z

May I be granted the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those who got on my nerves.

Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today

For they may be attached to the feet I must kiss tomorrow.

Let me always give 100% at work.

12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday,

20% on Thursday, and 5% on Friday.

Help me to remember that when I am having a bad day

And it seems people are trying to wind me up,

It takes 42 muscles to frown, only 28 to smile

And 4 to extend my arm and punch someone’s face.

Anon.

Only in Ireland . .

2007-03-03T15:42:00.001Z

If you think things are bit 'Chinese' in your part of the world take a look at this gem from 'The Pillion Passenger' to see how some other places behave. "As a way of welcoming people to Ireland the good people of county Meath are offering English lessons . . . ." read on

The Emperor's Child

2007-02-24T23:22:00.000Z

Once upon a time, many years ago, in the East, there lived an Emperor. He was a very wealthy and happy man. He had six hundred wives who had borne him many children and he loved them all. All his children were girls and so he had no heir, which was perhaps the one thing in life which disappointed him. So imagine his surprise and delight when, one day, one of his wives presented him with a new-born son.

Over the years he watched his little boy grow and became increasingly devoted to him. Just before his son’s fifth birthday he took him to one side and said, “Son, you are the joy of my life, I cannot do enough for you. What would you like? Say what you want and you shall have it”.

The boy replied, “Daddy, I’d like an aeroplane”.

So the Emperor, who was not stuck for cash and not wishing to do things by halves, bought Delta Airlines.

As his son grew the Emperor loved him all the more and when his sixth birthday approached the Emperor took him to one side and said, “Son, you are a delight to behold, nothing is too much for you. What would you like? Say what you want and you shall have it”,

to which the boy replied, “Daddy, I’d like a car”.

So the Emperor, not wishing to do things by halves, bought General Motors.

The boy grew bigger and stronger each day and ever-more wonderful in the eyes of the Emperor so, before his son’s seventh birthday, the Emperor took him to one side and said, “Son, you are the apple of my eye, you cannot imagine the happiness you give to me. What can I give you? Say what you want and you shall have it”.

The boy replied, “Daddy, I’d like to see a film”.

So the Emperor, not wishing to do things by halves, bought the MGM studios and the rights to all the films produced there.

Nearing his son’s eighth birthday the Emperor took him in hand and said, “Son, you are an inspiration to us all, what can I do for you? Say what you want and you shall have it”.

The boy had been watching western movies for the previous year so it should be no surprise that he replied, “Daddy, I’d like a cowboy outfit”.

So the Emperor, not wishing to do things by halves, bought Halliburton.

'Flu cure

2007-02-13T22:04:00.001Z

Avian Flu Clearance Sale

2007-02-13T21:51:00.002Z

It’s all gotta go, the items that have the country at fever pitch.

Government Lie Detector Unit: Electric model. Attractive soft, dark brown surface with consistent faecal odor. Red light flashes when the government is lying about the H5N1 figures. To deactivate red light, unplug unit.

Rubber Face Masks. Don’t be fooled by standard masks with pores the size of an army of viruses. Get these poreless, peerless models. Includes frowny-faces so that you can blend in with the general populace.

6-pack Vinegar. Out they go. Medicinal value indicated by recent sales in the millions of bottles. Those viruses won’t want to know you after you down a good vinegar six-pack.

Whito Bleach. The latest fragrance in these rapidly changing times. Don’t be left out. Spray it on household items; the car; even apply to bodily extremities before making love. Guaranteed to suppress libido and thus minimize transmission opportunities.

Influenza Carrier Detector Unit. Insert up anus of suspected ‘flu carrier. The model that took San Francisco by storm.

Panic Instruction Manual. How to save face by panicking along with the rest of the general population. Don’t appear relaxed when you can join the frenzy. Fully illustrated with appropriate facial expressions of sentient anguish.

The Layman’s Guide To Bird Flu Statistics. Beautifully illustrated with exaggerated and frightening images of death by pestilence. All avian ‘flu figures in exaggerated size 68 font to make them look bigger than what they really are, as requested by 98% of men on the street. If you cannot justify your current sense of terror, this is the manual for you. Essential bed-time readings. Editor’s note: All competing data which might suggest that H5N1 is anything less than the Apocalypse have been respectfully removed to avoid embarrassment for the masses.

Fear Registration Unit. Feeling frustrated because you are feeling relaxed and apathetic while all your friends are in various states of apoplectic terror? The Fear Registration Unit is the answer. Alerts you when levels of adrenalin and cortisone in the brain fall below critical levels, with a violent blow to the parietal lobe (i.e. the back of your head). Don’t let your apathy kill you at a time when panic is the only socially acceptable option.

The Rumour Generator: Don’t be left out at parties when that extrovert has the audience transfixed with anecdotes of our impending doom, government conspiracies and Beijing Medical Hospital backroom gossip. Self-generating and fully automatic, this compact unit includes such popular options as: What happens when they quarantine Beijing/Shanghai/Guangzhou?; They’re burning thousands of ‘flu corpses behind Beijing Military hospital ; and The government already knows about it. Sorry, numbers are strictly unlimited.